Day Off... So No Plans.

I've just spent last night dealing with a kidney stone.  I don't know what was missing from the first one that didn't convince me to drink more water, but two years later, there I was dealing with another.  So much pain that you're on your hands and knees crawling, anywhere, just anywhere but here.  So much pain that the contents of your stomach abandon you, like a fairweather friend who sees what's coming.

So today I'm fine, but a mess.  Nothing hurts, but I feel like I need to just sleep.  Carol's taken the boys shopping, so I put on anything fleece and find the sun's rays on the couch.  There's so much to do.  The lawn needs mowing, the sink needs fixing, bathrooms need cleaning, laundry needs folding.  I feel the guilt of all the tasks, but my body doesn't cooperate.  Everything outside of this fleece blanket feels so cold, and my spine slumps like a piece of paper expected to stand on its own.

Netflix.  Carol and I watch certain series together, so it's always a hunt for something she won't like to watch on my own.  I don't know what it was about The Detectorists that was so awesome, and made me so sad that it was only one season.

But now I'm watching Flaked.  I don't know if Carol would like it or not, but I'm on episode 3 so it's too late to ask.  It's me in my 20's.  Even the music is me in my 20's.  And there's so much nostalgia wrapped up in a show playing now, about a man my age living now.  It's me then, but now.  If that makes any sense.

The fifteen second warning for the next episode comes on, and it rolls into the next.

Episode 4.  It starts right from after the credits.  There's something about the sun.  The pace.  The banter.  It starts to remind me of a feeling.  Then at somewhere around 3:26, London says, "It's my day off, so no plans..."  followed by a quick transition to "Dance Hall Days" and an old Benz on a road trip.

And I am so overwhelmingly floored by a feeling.  It's of sunny days and bare feet in cars.  A slight grime.  And interestingly enough, boredom.  It's back to a time when your only obligations were school, chores and your part time job.  And in the summer, when school was out, and you weren't scheduled, the day was open.  Blank.  Not romantically full of possibility.  Just deliciously blank.

And I realize I haven't felt this way since I got responsibility and a future.  Even on days like today when I'm doing nothing, my mind and my day are far from blank.

As I sit lethargic on the couch, I recognize that my life needs more blank.  My kids need more blank.  And I need to find out how to get it into our lives.

I feel like I've been struck by lightening.  I hope I can make this into something.  It feels important.